Why is it that people have nails, but animals have claws? Fuck nails, nails are for pussies!! From here on out, you loose real man status if you "trim your nails". Real men sharpen their claws, and they do it with tree trucks, knives, and teeth!

The Meyer Park Wal-mart has decided not to sell ammo after 8. Mark and I went in to pick up some, and a manager came over to the counter to inform us that "security has requested that they not sell ammo that late with the Katrina thing happening." I was upset for a second, but it is so fucked up that we had to laugh. So FYI don't go to the Meyer Dark Wal-mart late looking for ammo!

The rioting is spreading. http://charter.net/news/read.php?ps=1018&id=12415786

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

It is the forth friday of the month. Last month a hurricane came through on that day, the month before there was some country drive scheduled, so it has been 3 months since the last (my first) meeting. Today the weather is perfect so if those pussy vette drivers don't bring their cars out tonight, I'll know it isn't the club for me to join. I don't feel like driving across town to eat a meal with 50 vette owners and not see a Corvette.

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:- If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears again, he let his hand slide down her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

Moral of the story:- If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're next," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:- Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:- To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy." "Well why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after the fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:- Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

BILL OF RIGHTS

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

Micro Center can lick my balls. The bastards limit the return period of their digital cameras to 7 days. This is also the case with laptops and projectors. I purchased a piece of shit camera to use at work. I can not buy a nice camera because the other people operating it will destroy it (via dropping it, playing with it, or stuffing it up their ass). So I buy a piece of shit camera, knowing I'm buying a piece of shit, and expecting the thing to do no more than the minimum that it says it is capable of. The thing is a 5 mega pixel DXG 502. Made in commie land (more on that later). I only need it to take pictures at 640x480. So I would expect that a 5mp camera, whether it is cheap shit or not to operate pretty well at 640x480. My expectation is really just playing the odds. You look at it and say huh, this cheap piece of shit probably has a 60+% chance of taking a reasonable picture at the minimal setting, I'll give it a try. You fully expect that if the thing sucks too bad, that you can take it back in a reasonable amount of time.

Asshole policy makers at Micro Center think that 7 days is a reasonable amount of time. It is often the case that I am too busy to go anywhere twice in the same week. This is also a camera for business use. The thing sat in the box until I needed it, 2 days ago. So after realizing that the piece of shit wasn't capable of taking a picture that didn't hurt your eyes to look at, I went straight to them. Just to find out that I am stuck with it.

I told the lady that I wanted a different camera. A better camera. A more expensive camera. I was going to give them more money! She told me that I can not return it to them and that I had to deal with the manufacturer. My reply was, "Well I still need a another camera, but I will not be purchasing it from you, I will buy it from a company with more honor and dignity than yours, like Wal-mart!" Ok relapse, That is what I should have said it would have been non vulgar yet witty and insulting. Unfortunately it came out more like, "I still need another camera, but I'm sure as fuck not buying it here!"

I refuse to go there to purchase anything else in the future, but to make me feel a little better, I may return the $300 worth of other crap that I bought along with the camera. That shit came with the average 30 day return period. JUST TO BE AN ASS!

I usually keep my good sense of humor even under the worst conditions. I can laugh at just about anything, especially myself when shitty things happen, but at that moment I lost the ability. I actually felt bad for being rude to a nice employee that only said goodnight to us on the way out.

Finally a public figure with balls

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9359065/

The only way to truly deter crime is cause bad things to happen to those that commit crime. The only way to effectively cause bad things to happen to those individuals is if the target of the crime administers the the bad things.

Maybe the criminal mind is on par with that of a dog. If a dog pisses on the floor, you have a very limited amount of time to beat its ass before it will no longer associate the beating to the act of pissing on the floor. You can't come home from work, to a puddle on the floor, and kick the dog for it will have no effect on the dog's floor pissing behavior.

For the criminal: he steps in the door of someones house, homeowner blows him out the door with 00 buck shot. Instantaneous feedback from his actions will cause him to associate his behavior with this very negative punishment.

Actually that could technically be considered positive punishment, because you gave him 18 balls of lead, you didn't actually take something from him... Well maybe you removed a few ribs, a lung, and half a heart. Then I would have to say that it is now neutral punishment. Ok screw this pshycobabble bull shit, makes my head hurt.

Non-the-less, when bad things happen in close relative time to a particular behavior, the individual will associate the two and probably decide that the behavior should not be duplicated again. The police are too slow to administer the punishment for the association to take effect on some criminals, so the citizens must take action if there is to be any change.

On my quest for a good white joke I found this site.

http://www.dirtyjokesinc.com/joke-bad_jokes-5555.htm

Most of the jokes suck, but the comments are funny as hell. especially this one from about halfway down the page.....

From: Jay Bleezy on March 1, 2005 @ 12:10 am
Comment: Fuck all racism, an whoever said the blackman can speak. I’m have my degrees, do you have your’s? BITCHES


I be a grajuwat, I'm got degrees too!!

I liked these:

How did the West Virginian mom know when her daughter was on the rag?
Her son’s dick tasted funny

What do you call a White man with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp. (I thought it was a farmer with a sheep = PLAYBOY!)

How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?
None, white girls can’t screw

how do u curcimsize a white boy.. kick his sister in the jaw (I like this one too, I'm just glad I was circumcised and not curcimsized, my sister would have been pissed)

I can't find white jokes on the internet for shit. Is it because whitie is the only one with a computer, so that is all that gets posted? I found some crappy one liners but they suck. I thought the following was kinda funny, but it depresses me knowing it is true!!!

White Man

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.......................

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did work, medicine man free, Indian man all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and shook his head, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


Maybe white people just don't do anything funny.

An old woman in a nursing home kind of lost it one day and stripped off all of her clothes and took the sheet off the bed. She tied it around her neck like a cape and ran down the hall saying,

"SUPERPUSSY."

She did this trying to get some attention from the nursing staff but they weren't paying attention, so she jumped in the doorway of an old man's room and landed in a pose saying,

"SUPERPUSSY."

The old man looked up, thought for a second and said,

"I think I'll have the soup."



And Bad poon joke number two!

One day God is walking through the Garden of Eden and sees Adam standing in front of the fountain of life sticking his head down into the water.

God says, "Adam, what are you doing?"

Adam says, "Lord I'm gargeling."

God says, "I can see that Adam but why are you doing it?"

Adam explains, "Well Lord Eve and I just got through having oral sex and I was tring to get the taste out of my mouth. You don't mind do you?"

God thought for a moment and said, "I guess not Adam but it's going to take forever to get the smell out of the fish."

http://www.ccrkba.org/pub/rkba/press-releases/cc_florida_brady_terrorists.htm

will some wonderful florida business owners please sue the shit out of the brady bunch. You can not stop these people completely, the members can always just start up a new organization, but sue them for all they have. Any group capable of producing international advertising campaigns has something to lose. Here is someones chance to stick it in and break it off!

I was talking with zach about this and i figured he was going to post on it, but I guess I will here.

How come every realistic punching dummy is a white male? I just want to know what kind of crap one would get into if they made a woman punching dummy. I figure it would sell like hot cakes. You wanna piss off a huge group of people, make a black woman punching dummy. I really see no difference between that and beating up some white guy!! They should make a good assortment. Hmmm Black muslim lesbian punching dummy. hehehehe boy you could piss off every group out there.

today my cat knocked a bottle of fish food off of the desk onto the floor. My dog then ate the entire can. Fortunately it is made from a combo of grub worms and other nasty shit, but nothing that is really dangerous.

Cat's plot... FAILED

I have just gone through a lot of hassle in order to sign up, just so I could post a comment to a couple of entries I have read. Unfortunately I have forgotten which ones they were during that time, but now I am able when the next one comes.

Just so not to be blank, I'll pass along a bit of wisdom I have come across that will help you hang on to your hard earned money.....

If it Floats, Flies, or Fucks....

RENT IT!!